It’s funny because I actually haven’t talked about my breakup really at all on my blog or my social media, but tomorrow, September 19th, will be a year since the breakup of my four-year relationship. Isn’t it crazy that a whole year can seem like it took ten seconds and five years at the same time?
I’ve done a LOT of reflecting in the last year. One of the suggestions my therapist gave me was to write a “letter” in my journal to him to express my feelings throughout my grieving process. As I am currently sitting in a coffee shop reading this letter I created on my laptop, I started tearing up. I have felt SO many emotions within the last year — denial, acceptance, fear, joy, remorse, anger, and pure happiness. I wish I could share the journal entries I have written because I think those who are going through a breakup would feel less alone (unfortunately, that might be TOO personal).
My best advice to those going through a tough time would be to surround yourself with the people who make you feel loved– because you are. You are so loved. I remember the morning we broke up, I was visiting him at his college. Driving home, I called the people I loved most to tell them (p.s. maybe wait until you stop crying until you drive, it’s hard to see ha).
I spent the day trying to wrap my head around what happened in the last 24 hours, and when night came I tried to force myself to be social with the family of a close friend that was in town. After being at this bar for only 20 minutes (with visibly very puffy eyes), I couldn’t keep the forced smile on my face and I went home. Maddie stayed in that night, and I immediately walked in the door into her arms and sobbed. At that moment, in the arms of one of my best friends, I knew I was going to be okay.
Here are a few things I have learned within the last year:
– my worth
– I will ALWAYS listen to my gut — you should too.
– how amazing my support system is (family & friends, I am so so thankful for you)
– if your friends are telling you you deserve better, listen to them.
– let yourself have TIME to grieve. don’t compare your grief timeline to theirs, or anyone else’s — I actually talked a lot about this is therapy. I was always so concerned that I was grieving at a slower pace than others, but I had to recognize I might be grieving so many identities — the person I was with them, the person you thought they were vs. the person they actually were, the person I could’ve been NOW if we broke up earlier or if I stood up for what I deserve.
– how freeing it is to be by yourself, and do what you want to do and not worry about someone’s response
– forgiveness is powerful (I am still working towards this)
– everything happens for a reason
– no matter how far you are in a relationship (2 months, 7 years, married with kids), it is NEVER too late to walk away.
– therapy was (and IS still) so important in my journey, and I hope to continue to grow into better versions of myself every day.
best wishes, be well and thrive,
cam
